balance. juggling. happy equilibrium. prioritizing. squeezing it all in. and other things.

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i think i’ve started and re-started this post about a gazillion times. write, write, write. no, that sounds awful. *click, click, click* deleted. write, write. no, that’s worse. grr. maybe if i just take a teeny, tiny break… {days later} write, write, write. crap.

so either this is a tricky topic or i’ve lost my touch. let’s all cross our fingers that it’s the first one ok? good. glad that’s settled.

the point is : lately i’m having trouble squeezing it all in. you know being a wife, a mommy, an individual, keeping the house in organized disarray clean, scrounging for cooking dinner, grocery shopping, laundry, blogging, working, booking new sessions, socializing and yada yada yada. maybe it’s simply the fact that we’ve added another little body into the mix with her own needs/wants or maybe it’s that i’m an inherently unorganized, non-schedule-y kind of a gal {you know, the one that gets abstract random on her personality test. yeah. that’s me.} i’m working on that. so controlled chaos is kind of my thing :0)

and as i sit here and stare at my screen, i guess i’m still really not sure what my point is exactly. i think i just needed to blow some steam because i know, know, KNOW i am not the only mama out there that feels like this. that has trouble prioritizing and trying to squeeze everything into it’s perfect place; that’s trying to find that place of happy equilibrium where everything is as it should be; and where we don’t feel like some days we’re being a neglectful mother, or a disgraceful blogger, or a pathetic housekeeper or, or, or…

so, i guess you could say, i’m in the pursuit.

the pursuit of what? a drill sergeant schedule? a perfectly regulated family and household that ticks when it should tick and tocks when it should tock? nope. just the pursuit of satisfaction. of moderately controlled chaos. of accomplishment when it IS moderately controlled. of time well spent and well allocated.

let’s just clarify. i’m not a neat freak, or a schedule person, and if the laundry is smiling up at me from a washing machine that ran yesterday and the dishes are piling up because i chose to play baseball after dinner instead, then more power to me {holla!} but just as some days look like that, other days i find that the dishes are calling my name and baseball takes a backseat until they’re complete; or perhaps a rare day that the coffee shop beckons me. just. me.

i just want to feel like i’m doing my best. at everything. and that’s hard. and not always possible. i’m learning. but what means the most to me is that my kids are happy. that they know they are loved, whether or not the laundry is 100% complete or the dishes are in the sink or the cupboard. because that’s my fear. that i will take too much time cleaning and laundering and other things that seem so much less important than raising my kids. in reality, there is a place for each of these too. and there is a balance. i’m looking for it. i’m in the pursuit. some days i find it. some days i don’t. but i’m always, always in the pursuit.

*do you know you are loved? oh, so very much!*

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and whether or not i made sense or we connected or you understand or you don’t…i feel better. so thank you.

and now, i’m off! on the pursuit : of life and all it’s beautiful challenges…sleep tight…