thoughts on school & letting go

well, i’m not going to lie, the first day of school has been weighing heavier on my heart than i anticipated. and i’m a little more nervous and sad than i thought i would be for turbo’s first day of kindergarten and sunshine’s 1st day of preschool {TODAY!}

oh no, i’m not worried about them. i know in my heart they’ll do great, amazing even, and though turbo’s been telling me he’s nervous, and he’s been counting down the days until he *won’t be with me* {turbo, sunday morning : *awe! this is my last. day. with. you.* <–he’s not helping me out here. throw a sad mama a bone and act excited pretty please} even with all that, i know my outgoing, brave, social, positive, friendly, smart little boy will come home from his first day of school confident and ready to continue on this new phase of his life.

no. it’s not them. it’s me i’m nervous about.

you see…i’m selfish.

i want my babies with me. all. the. time. even when they drive me crazy. i love them. i love the fun we’ve had : picnics at the park, playdates with close friends, impromptu trips for donuts and coffee, hours of art projects, snuggling, reading books, little boy kisses, exploration and inquisition. i love the crazy circus show i always have in tow making even the slightest task seem like a major ambition. don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t always been perfect. there were days where i felt like i was losing my mind from all their energy, days of fit throwing {the boys, not me…though, i’m sure i felt like throwing one too}, days where i was disappointed with my parenting, where they just wouldn’t listen, or where the house was a total disaster {oh, wait. nope, that’s everyday.} but i still loved every second of being home with them.

it’s dumb to say these things won’t happen anymore, but it’s realistic to assume these fun, crazy times/activities will begin to dwindle becoming fewer and farther in between as they grow in their independence. as they become individuals. as they spend more time with friends and less time with *mom.* thankfully {THANKFULLY}, we are not at that phase yet, and i’m still *cool.* cool enough that turbo wanted *i love you* painted on his lunchbox. yeah. cool enough that my boys will rock these bands with pride to school to remind them how much they are loved. yeah.

i still got it.

but as much as i want them with me, i’m excited to watch them grow, to continue to develop as individuals, and to see who they become. i’m excited for more one-on-one time with sweet pea, and truth be told, when the sadness parts, i’m even a little excited for more me-time.

but even with all the excitement, it’s just hard to let go. to let go and recognize that the past and the fun we’ve had is past and the future is now, bright and beautiful. and you know why i think the letting go is so hard? because it’s the first of many. and that? i’m not down with that. not yet. thankfully, i don’t have to be.

so here’s to the first day of school! i’m sure i’ll be a mopey mess after dropping both my boys off. a sad, happy little mess 😉

cheers *